Who Lurks?

Apparently all it takes for me to get a win in the league is to actually outscore EVERYONE. 2 of my 3 wins this year have come in this fashion, and the other one must have been a fluke. Fear the Turtle… or something, right Noah?

Speaking of Noah, he sent me this gem:

“If an older woman who likes young men is considered a cougar… Is an older man who likes young boys now considered a Nittany Lion?”

Onward with the recap!
Alex Morgan Hottie (152.20) vs. Zapp Brannigan (138.83)
Now Berg knows how I feel. He scored the 2nd most points in the league this week and lost. I know that feeling entirely too well. This is why, again, I hate fantasy football. That said, everyone on team Alex Morgan is a Hottie scored in double digits… at least those that played but nobody scored more than 22.50. Quite the balanced attack after the quasi mega trade. Berg had a great showing from Julio Jones and the usual performance from Arian Foster. But 138.83 wasn’t good enough to get the W this week.

The Turd Fegusons (136.53) vs. Tebow’s Sluts (111.07)
In the battle of Colorado hoes, Gallagher comes out victorious. Yet another balanced attack, led by umm Andy Dalton? Apparently you can’t sleep on Andy Dalton. Who knew? Did I mention that Cincy got a 1st AND a 2nd round pick for Carson Palmer? The Raiders would be the equivalent of that dumbass fantasy owner that gets railroaded every year but somehow believes he’s doing the right thing… and his checks don’t bounce. I love that fantasy owner, we will call him Mark Kramer. Anyways, the sluts didn’t bring much to the table this week. Somehow he compiled 111 points and mostly because nobody shit the bed. You have to ask yourself…how did everyone miss on Darren Sproles? He might be wholurks fantasy football MVP at this point in the season. He’s been that amazing. It must be nice to be Gallagher too… highest scoring team in the league AND the fewest points scored against him. Sign me up.

LA Terps (133.43) vs. Dick’s Sporting Goods (130.00)
In the closest battle of the week, Noah continues his roll as the self-proclaimed hottest team in the league. Meanwhile, Brent played with the karma gods in the name department and ended up Desean Jackson shit the bed for him. Brent couldn’t capitalize on Vincent Jackson’s huge day to pair with his typical Brady to Welker combo. That trio scored over 78 points… meanwhile Noah’s Terps’ squad is rallying behind the Run DMC injury with Michael Bush and Marshawn Lynch? Those guys were once good in college… the Terps continue to roll with Eli Manning and getting rewarded. That is until Eli Manning goes Eli Manning in the fantasy football playoffs like he always does and shits the bed. Just wait… this will happen. It always happens. This is why fantasy football owners hate Eli Manning. You can’t trust his ass.

My Vick Hurts (130.40) vs. Who Dat Nation (98.47)
The battle of the two worst teams (based on record) in the league showed that My Vick Hurts can put the whodats away. My Vick, fresh of the other of that semi-monster trade, also got a nice victory this week. Who Dat got very little production from anyone with Jason Witten leading the way at 15.10 points. Neal got a balanced attack with his worst performer netting 7.60 points. Big Ben has been good to Neal the last few weeks, even with the departed Mike Wallace playing for Alex Morgan Hottie’s team. Both of these teams will need to get some wins to sneak into the playoffs. Only 2 wins away from that 8th spot though!

Yankees Suck (114.13) vs. One Man Gang (81.17)
Brody, what happened? Last week Brody was the high scorer… this week? Not so much. If you take the QB’s out of this matchup, the rest of it looks pretty bleak. Yankees Suck got over 35 points from Aaron Rodgers. Two guys in this matchup scored NEGATIVE points, two more had zero. Yes, it was that kind of a week for each of them. Joe has to be happy to get out of there with a win after seeing so many teams score in the 130s. Even though Brody is sitting at 4-5, he is firmly in the 6th spot based on his point total. That being said… 6th place is 4-5 and 12th is 3-6. Still anyone’s game.

Heat Seeking Nipple (112.60) vs. Goodell’s Minions (89.90)
Curtis is this week’s winner of… who can squeak by with a win? Meanwhile, Phil continued to be crushed by a plethora of inactive players. Somehow he got 30 points from Willis McGahee. Yea, really. Read that again. When was the last time McGahee was relevant? I think it involved making it rain in Miami to be honest. Curtis has to enjoy owning Drew Brees, right? One less thing for him to worry about. BTW, good luck with the Philly defense, I got tired of waiting for them to actually, ya know… play defense. They didn’t get a sack of Jay Cutler. That’s almost as stunning as Willis freggin McGahee landing Phil 30 points. That pretty much sums this matchup up… Jay Cutler didn’t get sacked, McGahee got 30 points. The world is ending shortly.